The title will already make some people furious, not because the reasoning behind it is flawed, but they won’t read far enough to understand it. The loudest outrage often comes from those least familiar with the realities of advanced power dynamics. But for those willing to read, here is the reasoning in full:
Why Negotiation Fails with Beginners
In the early stages of BDSM exploration, negotiation is largely ineffective. You cannot meaningfully negotiate what you do not understand. A beginner has no lived experience to measure their limits, desires, or thresholds against. They can make guesses, but these guesses are based almost entirely from porn, pop-kink media, or cultural stereotypes.
In philosophy, consent is not simply a matter of saying “yes” or “no.” It is an informed agreement (check out Mill On Liberty and Feinberg Harm to Self). Without the knowledge to understand the risks, the scope, and the implications of a proposed act, an agreement becomes hollow, even unsafe. And to be clear: A “yes” without awareness is not full consent, but compliance.
That is why I do not negotiate BDSM dynamics with beginners. Instead, I take them on what I call a “discovery journey”. This is an experiential, guided introduction in which I lead them through manageable activities—kink-based rather than full BDSM and Dynamics. I observe their responses, their thresholds, and their emotional progression. Over time, this builds a foundation for real domination later.
Until that point, I Top, not dominate. Topping means I lead the activities, but without embedding them in a power exchange structure. There is no Domination/submission dynamic in place, no active seduction of power, and no contractual Authority. I do this deliberately. A true D/s dynamic with a beginner would be a consent violation because they cannot yet grasp what they would be agreeing to.
Why I Withhold Domination from Beginners
Domination is not something I apply like cheese on a hamburger. It is a constant, embodied part of my erotic identity. My natural impulse is to dominate, and the more aroused I become, the more intensely I want to do so. That is precisely why, with beginners, I withhold it. So…
I do not apply domination, I withhold it.
This is not self-denial. It is ethics. Beginners cannot yet consent to true domination because they lack the knowledge and experience to understand what they would be agreeing to. In psychological terms, they are in the “unconscious incompetence” stage of skill acquisition (Howell, 1982). They do not know what they do not know. In such a state, their eagerness can easily mask their vulnerability, and eagerness is not the same as informed readiness.
By keeping the dynamic at the level of Topping/bottoming, I protect them from entering an authority-based exchange they cannot yet properly navigate. Topping still allows Me to lead, but it removes the erotic power structure that fuels deeper submission. This separation safeguards their autonomy while letting us explore safely.
Kink vs. BDSM — My Distinction
I admit, I love boxes. I love things having defined edges. It means I can create; I can build. Sand blocks can stack on top of each other for height and form—creating mountains. Try doing that with loose sand that moves in the wind and water, and gets scattered everywhere. There is no future, there is no home, there is no connection, there is no control—loose sand does not have all the things that are needed for Dynamic and domination. Thus, in my philosophy, kink and BDSM are not interchangeable.
• Kink is simply non-normative erotic acts—any sexual or sensual activity outside mainstream norms.
• BDSM, by contrast, uses taboo, power, and psychological play to explore the full spectrum of human arousal—both pleasurable and challenging emotions (fear, surrender, anticipation, anxiety, even boredom). Thus, Dynamics within BDSM are not just about acts, but about the relational structure in which those acts occur.
Simply put: Inserting a finger in an ass for physical arousal is kink. Doing so to provoke complex emotional states—to eroticise, disturb, or transform—is BDSM. Doing so with the deliberate intention of reinforcing or deepening an existing power imbalance is Dynamics.
Yes, everything is about intention.
A beginner can try kink without stepping into BDSM. For example, I might spank someone (kink) without engaging a power dynamic where my will overrides theirs (BDSM through D/s). Pop-kink culture has blurred these distinctions, leading people to believe that any physical act with a “BDSM aesthetic” must involve submission to a Domina. That is both false and harmful.
The “Permission Reversal” in Femdom
A subtle but profound feature generally in Female Domination is what I call the “permission reversal”. Normally, permission is asked for, but male submissives, particularly, often give it without it being asked of them. And, beginners are often too eager to “give” Me permission to do anything. But in My practice, it is I who decides what permission I will accept from them.
This is not a power-play, but “ethical gatekeeping”. In order for them to give Me permission to dominate, I must first allow that permission to exist. This is particularly important for beginners because without this filtering them, they will often grant sweeping consent to things they neither understand nor are ready for, setting themselves up for harm or disappointment.
By making them aware of which part of their permission I am accepting, I am teaching them consent literacy—the ability to articulate and understand what is being agreed to. And when I tell them explicitly, “I do not dominate beginners; I will only Top you,” yes, they can get a little disappointed, but I often see their relief too. Doing such removes their unspoken fear that they will be manipulated or coerced into something they cannot yet manage.
So, as a Femdom, it is my duty to make sure the submissive knows I only accept the permission for the level he is at, and I reject the rest. Most beginners, of course, do not understand why I do this, but it is an ethical practice I keep without compromise. And, in the future, when the submissive looks back after he has knowledge and experience, he will know how I have protected him from the very beginning of our connection, and that is priceless.
Deprogramming Pop-Kink Conditioning
Most beginners I meet have been dreaming about BDSM and Femdom for years, often since adolescence. They bring to our connection ten, sometimes twenty years of fantasy, expectation, and porn-fed scripts. These fantasies are usually quite vivid, but they are also illiterate in the language of real power exchange.
Pop-kink media has taught them that domination is defined by a list of kinky acts: spanking, spitting, and verbal humiliation, etc. They think the acts are the domination, when in truth, the acts are only the surface expression of the Dynamic. Thus, they often conflate “doing BDSM things” with being in a BDSM dynamic.
This conditioning produces two major problems:
- They believe they must submit in order to try BDSM (as if no other structure, like Topping/bottoming, exists.
- They assume submission guarantees their fantasies will be fulfilled (as if the Domina’s role is to facilitate their private desires.)
Both beliefs conflict with the reality of authentic Female Domination, and both create unsafe expectations.
Because of this, my first responsibility, even when I am not their Domina, is to slow them down. Their enthusiasm is not a green light, but a red flag that they may try to “back-lead” our interaction to fast-track their own desires. This just means they are a beginner, and beginners are impulsive. But in power exchange, impulsivity is risky.
So I set the pace. I tell them exactly how this will go:
• Who I am in this context: I am a Mentor, not their Domina (yet).
• What we will do: Kink exploration, not BDSM dynamics.
• How we will do it: Casual Topping/bottoming—I lead the activities, but without imposing my full erotic Authority, using a continuous consent model (vanilla style).
This is non-negotiable to engage with Me. I do not compromise on this. It doesn’t matter their unwavering desire, belief in their submission, or eagerness. The rhythm and pace is Mine to set (I do it for their safety) because as the more experienced partner, I am simply in the natural position of power.
The Mentor – a Position of Power
The Domina/beginner dynamic functions much like a Teacher/student dynamic. Both are equal in value as human beings, but in the context of skill transfer, the teacher holds greater authority. This is not exploitation, but the recognition of expertise.
In psychology, Vygotsky’s concept of the Zone of Proximal Development applies in this context. The learner thrives when they are guided just beyond their current ability, not thrown into experiences far above their competence. My Mentorship works in exactly this way. I expose beginners to enough kink novelty to be thrilling, but never enough to be overwhelming.
This also reinforces a key truth: no dynamic is ever neutral. Even in vanilla settings, human interactions are shaped by status, knowledge, attraction, and influence. Pretending otherwise is naive. My choice is to acknowledge the inherent power asymmetry, and keep it in a container that is ethical for the beginner’s level.
Why I Refuse to Use Advanced Consent Models with Beginners
There are multiple forms of consent used in BDSM, ranging from scene-by-scene explicit consent to threshold consent (blanket consent within a container, such as TPE or long-term dynamics). The latter is often used in Absolute Femdom, where the submissive grants the Domina authority over degree, style, and intensity without renegotiating in each moment.
This form of consent is powerful and… risky. It is a taboo approach precisely because it departs from the egalitarian model of consent management, requiring the submissive to surrender predictability. When done correctly, it produces the highest form of erotic Authority. When done incorrectly, it has the potential to collapse into abuse. The ethical line here is razor-thin… thus, extreme care and monitoring need to be taken.
Beginners cannot walk such a thin line. Not because they are incapable as human beings, but because they lack the awareness to judge that line. They do not yet have the ability or capacity of what they are consenting to, the language to articulate their limits and boundaries, nor the practice and experiential grounding needed to know how they will respond to unfamiliar intensity with unfamiliar activities.
Thus, to add this all up:
For this reason, with beginners, I do not use threshold consent that I use for Absolute Dynamics. I use standard, scene-specific, vanilla-style consent because that is what they understand and already use (well, should). I strip away the Dominance/submission dynamic and use Topping/bottoming. I still lead, as a teacher would, but I do not impose my erotic Authority over their psyche. My drive for domination stays locked away until they are ready for it, and especially until I am satisfied they can handle it safely.
My Six-Month Vetting Process
When a beginner expresses the desire to move beyond casual play and into a committed dynamic with Me, I begin the vetting process. This process is not arbitrary, but a structured, ethical bridge into Absolute Femdom.
The vetting period lasts a minimum of six months (ah-huh), though it often extends longer due to “life”. During this time:
- We escalate gradually. I introduce more intense or psychologically charged practices only after they have demonstrated both competence and comfort with previous levels.
- We test limits and discover boundaries. Not just physical, but emotional and psychological thresholds. This is a joint process. I observe how they respond, and they learn how to communicate effectively under intensity and pressure.
- They learn my philosophy and ethics. I teach them my Femdom framework, my approach to safety, and the principles of Absolute Femdom so they understand exactly what they are consenting to.
- We assess compatibility. Chemistry, attraction, and mutual respect are non-negotiable. If these falter, we do not progress.
During this time, they may call me “Mistress” as a courtesy title, but they do not know my real Mistress name. That is a privilege reserved only for My personal submissives who have passed through vetting. The revelation of that name is not just symbolic, but a key that unlocks My full domination.
This is how I uphold ethical practice without relying on explicit negotiation. I use an “onboarding” process to prepare a submissive to enter My Femdom. It functions much like inducting a new employee into a company. A new hire doesn’t walk in and renegotiate the organisational structure or dictate how their manager will manage them. Instead, they are introduced to the company’s vision, values, and operational culture, and shown how to work within it. There is typically a probationary period—a three-to-six month trial—during which either party can walk away without penalty. Only after that period, and with full understanding, is the formal contract signed. Bringing a submissive into an Absolute Femdom dynamic follows the same logic. They are immersed in My structure, taught My vision, and given time to decide if they are ready to commit—not to a collaboration, but to My authority.
When someone completes this process and enters into an Absolute Femdom dynamic with Me, the bond is unlike anything casual BDSM play can produce. It is not simply a string of dynamic scenes—it is a lifelong connection. Even if our active dynamic ends—because relationships evolve, or life circumstances change —the bond remains. We have crossed a threshold together that cannot be undone. In my personal ethic, this connection carries as much, if not more, emotional commitment as marriage. This is why I am uncompromising in my onboarding process. Absolute Femdom is not “roleplay.” It is not a playdate. It is an erotic, emotional, and philosophical commitment that should only be entered into by people who have done the work to be there.
If you have not done the work, you get My Mentorship—not My domination. That is not a punishment, but a promise of protection, education, and orientation into a world that, done right, will benefit and even change you.
The Integrity of Absolute Femdom
The majority of what you see in BDSM communities, clubs, and online spaces operates on models built for beginners. It is a deliberate safety measure. By keeping interactions at a level most people can understand and negotiate, the risk of consent violations and psychological harm is reduced.
Scene etiquette, standard negotiation checklists, safewords, and activity-based consent models are all designed to work within this safety zone. It’s egalitarian in nature: both participants know the rules, agree to them, and operate within them. This is excellent for newcomers, roleplayers, casual kinksters, and those who prefer predictable, co-authored encounters. But it is not the same as Absolute Femdom.
Absolute Femdom is a different monster entirely. It does not function within a beginner’s framework because it rejects co-authorship in favour of single-led, female-authored power within a container of consent. It thrives on unpredictability, on the Domina’s ability to follow Her will and erotic truth in the moment without referring back to a pre-written script or demands of desires being met.
From a philosophical perspective, this is why Absolute Femdom cannot, (or perhaps should not), be taught or accessed through the same structures as beginner BDSM. Real authority is not simply the ability to act, but the ability to define the field of action itself. In Absolute Femdom, I define that field—once consent has been given. This, of course, is not compatible with the standard “scene negotiation” culture that keeps both partners co-managing their experiences. That culture has its place, but it also tries to prevent the very nature of BDSM practice, which is to honour the exploration of the taboo.
The Final Line
If you want a beginner’s model, you will find it everywhere. It is safe, structured, and accessible. You can get your fantasies met without much risk, and for many people, that’s exactly what they want.
If you want Absolute Femdom, you must understand that it is not designed for beginners. It is not built for instant gratification. It requires much trust, education, and readiness—on both sides. My process exists because of education, experience, and practice—grounded in safety, consent, risk awareness, and ethics—to ensure that when a potential submissive steps into My Dynamic, they are stepping into Female Domination that is whole, alive, and unfiltered.
I choose to authentically dominate to value and honour My erotic truth, and quite frankly, that is something you cannot negotiate into existence.