In a previous post, I shared my thoughts on what Female Domination is, based my personal experience, observations of other Domina, and academic study on Femdom literature. In essence, Femdom is a female-led, asymmetrical, power-based dynamic. The key defining element that must be present for Femdom to be authentic is that it is powered by female desire. This desire can be physiological, emotional, social or sexual in origin.
When I first came into the BDSM scene, I was 35. Youād think that is pretty late, but I was already a natural Femdom from the beginning. I was dominating my boyfriends, feminising them, cucking them, and with some, we had a sadomasochistic dynamic. This was before I even knew BDSM or Femdom existed. Everything was driven by my desires. What I did, how I did it, and why I did it. My boyfriends never told me what to do.
So when I discovered BDSM and Femdom (first through Literotica, and then a few years later Fetlife), I was disoriented. What the scene portrayed Femdom as and Female Domination did not look like what I had been doing for the last 30 years. It confused me. I knew I was Femdom, but I was not the version of Femdom the scene was projecting. And over the years, many women have reached out to me with the same confusion. They know who they are inside, but it is not aligned with what the scene tells them Femdom is.
So, I began investigating why there is such a disconnect. Why was the scene projecting a Femdom that was clearly designed for male desire while presenting it as female power? And yes, you would be right in saying it is because of Femdom porn. Porn is great in many ways as it presents an example of Femdom (even if itās just a shell of it) that can help people discover their passion for BDSM. However, porn is also quite destructive to Femdom because of how it represents it. The main focus of porn is male-centric titillation. It is designed for men ā their desires and their fantasies. Even the image of a Femdom is male-coded. The female power is staged, because the women in these porn scenes are not acting from their own desires or pleasure; they are performing a role for money. Porn Femdom is produced by men, scripted by men, directed by men, edited by men, and marketed by men, all for a male audience. That means the female power being depicted is seen through the eyes of men. It is not real female power. It is what men think female power should be (to get them off).
In film studies, this is called the āmale gazeā. It is a concept coined by British film critic Laura Mulvey. Itās widely used in the Humanities to explain how art and media are created with only a male viewer in mind. Women in arts and media are depicted through a masculine, heterosexual perspective, primarily for male pleasure and enjoyment. Now, this doesnāt happen only in porn, but itās everywhere ā across the arts and media, globally. Women are portrayed as objects to serve menās sexual arousal.
So, Femdom has been developed for the male gaze. What men want, what men desire, and what men expect Femdom to be. And yes, because Femdom porn is often the first exposure for many people to BDSM, those male-centric portrayals get imprinted on their psyche as āFemdomā. It becomes the generalised objectification of women. This then strips away real female-centric Femdom, because when real Femdom doesnāt match the male-centric version, it is often challenged, seen as inauthentic, less valid, or even wrong. Femdoms have had to hold the line to ensure their authentic desire is not erased from BDSM. So, part of the frustration and exhaustion authentic Femdoms face is that they have to deal not only with male-centric, brainwashed submissives, but also with inexperienced Femdoms who model their power om porn tropes. Thus, it reinforces the male-centric Femdom ideal, and real Femdom is being pushed underground, becoming an acquired taste.
So, women who are authentic Femdoms entering the scene often get confused. The math doesnāt add up. They have a deep-seated knowing that something isnāt right, but because the community and learning are still important, they jump in anyway. And yes, we know that many of the women modelling their Femdom off porn are not practicing authentic Femdom. They are often content creators, porn actors, sex workers, and others trying to make a quick buck. They are not invested in Femdom as an erotic, sovereign praxis. They use the male tropes of Femdom to appeal to men and maximize profit. They end up objectifying themselves for male arousal, calling it empowerment.
Now, just to be clear on āauthenticā: When I use the word authentic, I am not referring to purity or moral superiority. I mean originating from internal authority. Authentic Femdom is not a script we perform for recognition or approval. It is a structure that arises from withināa lived expression of desire that has not been outsourced to porn, social media, or submissive suggestion. It is epistemological: a way of knowing oneself, and acting from that knowing. This means it is not about how Femdom looks to others, but how deeply it reflects the Dominaās internal logic, erotic language, and personal sovereignty.
This notion of authenticityāas internal erotic authorshipāis a study by several feminist theorists. Audre Lorde spoke of the erotic not as performance, but as power, describing it as a source of profound knowing that lives beneath the surface of patriarchal conditioning. bell hooks expands this further, framing true power not as domination-over, but as the capacity to live without coercion, aligned with oneās own values and truths. And Simone de Beauvoir adds that woman have long been defined as āother,ā and that reclaiming subjectivity means shaping our own existence, not mirroring the fantasies that were built to contain us. So when I talk about authentic Femdom, I am situating it within this feminist tradition ā as a practice of interior truth, erotic sovereignty, and the refusal to be a character in someone elseās script.
One of the things that most donāt know ā and I only discovered through my research ā is that there are actually two lineages of Femdom. The first comes from prostitution, which is what ProDomme originates from. In the late 1800s, especially after Venus in Furs by Sacher-Masoch, there was a rise in men seeking flagellation services from brothel houses. At first, it was any available prostitute being directed by the client. Then, prostitutes began to specialize in flogging and whipping, and spanking. Soon after, specific flagellation houses appeared across London and Paris. This was great for prostitutes because it meant they could save their bodies from the physical toll of sexual intercourse. Thus began the standardization of the professional Dominatrix. Their entire business is geared toward the pleasure of men for money. They looked like what men wanted, they acted like what men wanted, and they performed what men wanted. And ironically, this is still what many men think Lifestyle Femdoms are ā free dominatrices.
But no. Lifestyle Femdoms have a different lineage. They didnāt start in brothels as impoverished women controlled by men. They emerged from high-society dominant women. Most were either widows with their husbandās money, or came from wealthy and prestigious families. Their social status allowed them to maintain their reputation, and most importantly, they didnāt have to do what men wanted. They were able to exercise their own desires and become authentic Femdoms. Of course, history has erased many of these women, but some of the more famous names remain: Cleopatra, Queen Elizabeth I, Catherine the Great, Lou Andreas-SalomĆ©, La Belle OtĆ©ro, Josephine Baker and Beryl Markham.
At the turn of the 20th century, flagellation and petticoat stories became popular, often featuring governesses and mistresses. These stories reflected the consciousness of the time, which as always, is a mirror of life. Thus developed āThe English Viceā. Even though such stories were male-authored (many women used male pseudonyms, being barred from writing such āsmutā), there are undeniable nuances in these works that reflect lived experience, not the male psyche.
Where prostitution lineage was created by men, for men, the domestic lineage was often passed down from woman to woman. We can recognised this in the autofiction of Venus in Furs. A high-society friend visits Wanda, the central female character ā a young widow who has inherited her husbandās money. Severin, the male protagonist, does not have access to the visit, but afterwards, Wanda has a shift in her views on Femdom. She crafts a precise plan for Severinās transformation āfrom man, to servant, to slave, to cuck.
So yes, the key difference between authentic Femdom and service Femdom is money. Women who have their own financial power can dominate from their own desires. Women who rely on money from men often faux-dominate for his desires. Andā¦ it can be argued that as more women today gain financial independence, more will become Femdom. There is a revolution coming.
Now, with all this background informationā¦ yes, Femdoms in general are influenced by male-centric Femdom. It’s everywhere ā it floods the scene ā so it is hard not to see it and consume it. And that means, many Dominas naturally adopt male-centric tropes that were never designed for female pleasure. The methods taught, the aesthatices practiced, even the structure of dominance, are all shaped by the male gaze.
Take sissifucation and pegging, for example. Men have created a detailed culture and process around these acts to optimize their arousal and orgasm. These processes are taught to women as āhow to do the Femdom act.ā But, the deeper question is: is sissification actually a Femdom act at all? Porn has certainly labeled it as such, but that labbelling was done by men. (I discussed this in depth in my post Sissification is not what you think it is). Itās not just about specific kinks. The male gaze has shaped the Domina herself. How she should look, behave, and think. Femdoms, according to this model, must be mean, cold, overpowering, and demanding. She must speak with aggression or to patronise. She must act without emotional connection or the care. She must consider herself superior, and her arrogance becomes proof of her power. She should take, disregard, and dispose of men (the maneater trope).
Side note: yesterday a commenter thought I might be leaning into āgender essentialismā with my Why Most Femdom Isnāt Actually Femdom post. I was triggered, because I donāt generally think about binaries or bodies, I speak from heritage and culture. People often reduce Female to genitals. Ugh. No. Female is a culture that has existed for 300,000 years, which has been largely shaped by subjugation, survival and the constant fight not to be enslaved or erased, but to gain human rights. This has influenced how we think, feel, relate and yes, dominate. (Look at inheriated bio-trauma and neurobiology.)
Itās also important to distinguish between structural femininity and what I call erotic femininity. Structural femininity is behaviouralāitās how society teaches women to move, speak, dress, and serve in ways that are palatable to men. Itās externally shaped and policed. Erotic femininity, by contrast, is internal and affective. Itās how power feels when it is centred in the female body, expressed through sensation, intuition, rhythm, and relational presence. Julia Kristeva describes this as the semiotic choraāa pre-linguistic mode of meaning-making rooted in the maternal and sensuous body. Luce Irigaray takes this further, arguing that feminine subjectivity must be reclaimed through the body, not through mimicry of masculine codes. For Dominas, this is vital. Femdom isnāt about performing female power as it has been imagined by men, but relocating power in the female erotic self, and letting that dictate how dominance is expressed.
Ok, I digressā¦
Itās not just that women are taught patriarchal scripts, but that resisting them often comes at a cost. Sandra Lee Bartkyās work on internalised oppression shows that women learn to comply not simply because they are obedient, but because dissent threatens their social and emotional survival. To reject what is expected of āfemininityāāto not serve, smile, comply, or sexualise oneselfāis often to risk disapproval, rejection, or even violence. So many women adopt patriarchal scripts and call them empowerment not out of ignorance, but as a form of self-preservation. This is internalised misogyny, where control is so deeply woven into cultural norms that domination becomes indistinguishable from desirability.
In Femdom, this gets even more complicated. A Domina may appear powerful on the surface, while still unconsciously reproducing behaviours designed to please the male gaze. Thatās why internal work is essential. A Domina must not only know her desire, but know whether it is hers at all.
I often hear the argument that maybe the Femdom wants to be like this, exactly like male gaze portrays. Maybe that is what she chooses, and that is who she is? I accept this, but only under one condition: that she has done the internal work to strip away the influence of the male gaze, and what is left is her truth. So, there are studies that demonstrate how women who have grown up within the male gaze adopt this perspective as their own truth. This is the concept of āadaptive preferencesā, where a womanās preferences are shaped by the environment she has grown up in ā patriarchy ā rather than reflecting her true desires or what might actually serve her. This explains the phenomonen of how some women support misogyny, uphold patriarchy, and participate in their own subordination.
It is the feminist philosopher Serene Khader, building on the work of Amartya Sen and Martha Nussbaum (The Capability Approach), who unravelled the concept of adaptive preferences. Adaptive Preferences occur when people, especially those from marginalised or oppressed groups, come to internalise desires and values that reflect the limits of their environment rather than their true well-being. In patriarchal cultures, women often absorb what the system rewards: service, sexual availability, aesthetic appeal, emotional compliance. They mistake these performances for personal choice because no other version of desire has been made legible or safe. So when I speak about Femdoms needing to interrogate whether a desire is truly theirs, I am using this idea, that is is possible that what they want has been shaped by what men have wanted from them for centuries. Femdom, at its most conscious, asks us to unlearn what we were taught to enjoy, and reclaim what we were never taught we could want.
One of the reasons I love Femdom is that it encourages the rigorous process of unpicking this conditioning, to get to, reveal and exercise authentic female desire. Femdom makes us question, āAm I forcing this manās orgasm because I want to, or because society conditioned me to want it? How do I know?ā
It’s about unpacking the reasons why. Why is the Femdom doing it? Is she doing it just because she saw it in porn? Because her submissive asked for it? Or because she wants to control his body like a machine? Or because she wants to punish his innate male desire to orgasm ā by forcing him to do it over and over until his desire becomes his own tortureā¦ and by doing so, she reconditions him that his pleasure equals his agony, and that agony becomes the correction of the thing that has punished and tortured women for generations ā male desire. (Okā¦ you just got a look into how my Femdom mind works, and how I not only get sexual and emotional pleasure from domination, but also a āmaster-creator existential pleasureā.)
So, in order to practice and honour female-centric desire, a Femdom must be confident that it is actually Her desire. She needs to be savvy of moments where a man or her submissive is trying to influence or manipulate her. She needs to use her intuition and perception to catch it. Men can be stealthy, so she must be even more stealthier. Then, she also needs to unpack whether it is actually her truth, her authentic female desire, or something that has been installed in her by the patriarchy.
She finds her answer through meaning and purpose. This often ties back to her personal experience, an historic moment, a narrative or a work of art that has affected her soul, changed her, made her feel her power. It might be her feelings or thoughts about porn, marriage, monogamy, gender politics, bro culture, or sisterhood. Thatās how she can track her authenticity, not by who approves of it, but by what it means to her.
To be clear, a submissive’s arousal is not the problem. What matters is where that arousal originates. In authentic Femdom, arousal arises in response to the Dominaās logic, structure, and erotic authorship. It is not the premise she must satisfy but the consequence of her desire in action. This is not about denying pleasure to men, but decentring it as the organising force. When a submissive is truly submitting, his arousal adapts to her direction. It doesn’t dictate it. Andā¦ this is why we talk about the Domina being the architect of the dynamic, and the creator of her submissive. They literally uncondition their submissives from male-centric tropes and recondition him to her own Femdom.
An example from my own Femdom: When I was young, I read many Novels of Manner ā eg.: Jane Austen. The whole concept of women being appraised was horrifying to me. It didnāt fully hit until I saw it in films like Peter Pan or Pride and Prejudice, where girls were judged by their appearance and talents to determine if they were marriage-worthy. The humiliation of young women witin a patriarchal bartering system is justā¦. Mindblowing.
So now, I include this very motif in my initiation rituals of subs. I have crafted both group rituals that I use at events, and personal ceremonies for my subs. I explain the history and why it is important to me. When I do, the men change. They treat the ritual as sacred, and it automatically heightens the power and erotic tension between us, because they understand the significance to Meā¦ that Iām not just reenacting something from porn, but something with great personal weight. Itās My creation. My desire. That alone transforms them. And whatās more, I tell them that this ritual arouses Me. It activates Mye desire to dominate them.
By doing this, the Domina becomes more than just a dominant figure, she becomes a cultural curator for the submissive and their dynamic. In anthropological terms, she occupies the role of what Sherry Ortner calls a āmediator of symbolic meaningā, someone who crafts not just events, but experiences that reorganise value systems. It also reflect Victor Turnerās work on liminalityāthe creation of threshold spaces between what was and what will be. A Domina leads the submissive into ritualised disorientation, stripping away his old social scripts and reconditioning him through acts that are both symbolic and somatic. The scene is not just kink, but a theatre, initiation, and transmutation, that deepens dynamic.
Thus, a Domina is not simply orchestrating Her power. She is rewriting how her power operates in the dynamic, and how it shapes her submissive. This is what separates authentic Femdom from performative mimicry. Authentic Femdom is the ability to use ritual to transform male desire, not just service it.
Now, my example shows how Femdom can stay true to, and develop, their authentic female domination and desires. If a Domina truly wants their Femdom to be based on female-centric power, this process is necessary. But once the process begins, it becomes easier. And eventually, it becomes second nature to discern whether something is truly rising from her own soul, or whether itās been implanted. If it is not hers, she can know it, and also know how to transform it so the act, or power, or concept, becomes authentically hers.
Basically, every authentic Femdom is on her own journey. And, Femdom is a journey ā not a destination ā but it is a journey She gets to design. Femdom is about a Dominat woman being true to herself and her desires, but that sounds easier than it actually is. It takes deep work. Dominant women are constantly learning how to value their power and express their female dominance. But, I predict that as more women break free from patriarchal ideals and societal expectations ā especially through economic and emotional independence ā female-led, power-based structures will not only be a viable alternative to the male-normative default, but will rewrite our idea of power, and will become a legitimate structure of its own.