Men may have affairs left, right and centre, but not every man has the talent of being a great lover.
People often think a great lover is a man who knows his way around a woman’s body. He knows how to seduce her, telling her sweet little lies to make her think there is a future; to make her keep giving, to make her keep hoping, all the while gratifying himself. No, these men are not the Casanovas.
A Casanova is a man who adores all women. When he is with one woman, he is in love with her, and when he is with another women the next day, he is in love with her all the same. A Casanova takes pleasure in discovering and knowing the woman he is with, just like any monogamous lover, but to a multiple degree. His has a great capacity for romance and falling in love over and over again.
A Casanova’s talent is making a woman feel like her best self so she will give her best self to him. Thus, he is very smart and knows how to play the game, but it is not for self gratification. He finds great pleasure in pleasuring a woman – her body, of course, but also her mind and her heart. He is essentially a pleaser, or what is known as a Pleasure Top.
He does everything right. He messages in the morning, and wishes you a good night. He wants to know how your day is going, and tells you he is looking forward to seeing you again. But this is not a play. He truly enjoys romancing. He will take you out to coffee or for a walk in the park with no obligation for sex because he knows how important it is for you to feel valued and appreciated. He will pick up your cues and fulfil your desires better than a diligent husband.
I’ve had a few Casanovas in my time. They are amazing to be with, but it can also be agonising because I understand who they are, how frustratingly perfect they can be, yet that perfection is because of our affair. They are not a villain set on robbing you of your sanity and emotional security; they are so honest and straightforward, but caring and gentle about sensitive topics. Their answers to hard questions are annoyingly wonderful. I asked my current Casanova how he deals with all his overlapping affairs, as he also loves his life partner and is fiercely committed to her. He gave me the same answer they all do: he compartmentalises his feelings. His feelings stop and start according to the person he is with. My lover specifically said:
I don’t think about us when I’m away from you otherwise I would fall in love with you. And that’s something I don’t allow myself to do. Just so you understand, I fall in love with you while I’m with you, but when I go back to my reality, I let us go, I break up with you, and fall back in love with my partner.
He’s a smart boy – 15 years my younger. I love how he thinks about his affairs, but even more so, how he expresses himself. It makes me fall for him even more. He has to be this honest with me because I will call him out on any bullshit – I’ve had many arrangements with people and know all the illusions, charades and games. But, even though he really means what he says in the moment, I do have a bad habit of slapping his face when I think he is using a line on me that has worked on all his other girls. Then he quickly grabs onto me tighter and makes me look into his eyes, and rephrases his remarks to something more believable. I won’t let him get lazy with me – if he is going to tell me that I’m beautiful and he loves being with me, that he loves making love with me, feeling me releasing myself to him, he better be raw and real about it. Yes, I know I am teaching him to be a better Casanova; but that’s the beauty of such men, they are learners and have humility – their sincerity is to die for – and so they do not take offense when a Mistress like me takes him under her wing.
Sometimes women get so used to men playing the ‘manwhore’ game with their sly tricks and angles, it can be hard to really appreciate a Casanova. But that’s what you should do. When you find one, graciously accept and enjoy the experience with him. Stop being cynical (like I can be sometimes) and allow him to work his magic. In that very moment, he will love you for being you. A liaison with a Casanova is a secret romance like no other, deep, fulfilling, but because it is an affair, it will also likely be fleeting.
I am continually telling my Casanova that when I get bored, I will allow us to slip away into nothing. (The ‘bored’ angle is only because I’m also a BDSM Mistress and like to mess with my play things through Objectification. But my Casanova is fully aware of this.) Still, he says, ‘Don’t you dare get rid of me so quickly. We haven’t experienced everything we want together yet.’ And thus continues our “Dread Pirate Roberts” dance:
“Good night, my Casanova. Good work. Sleep well. I’ll most likely kill us in the morning.”
However, such an affair with a Casanova doesn’t have to end shortly if you embrace the process without getting needy or suffocating it with wishing what you can’t have with him. Instead, when you are in an affair with a Casanova, it is best to do what the Casanovas do – “What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas”.
