I heard it come right out of his mouth, as if it was a natural thing to say to me, “Shouldn’t You Want To Settle Down?” It hurt. I thought if there would be one person that would understand that I am who I am because it makes me feel free, it would be him.
I’m 50 this year. Nearly all my life I have hidden who I am. I had been afraid of myself since I understood I was separate from other people. I chose paths that completely went against my nature. I became someone else for a very long time, and I was very good at it. But deep down, I wasn’t living, I was just existing in a life that was not built for me. For the last 10 years I have been working towards this year… this is the year I want to break free of hiding. I want to live myself. I am a Mistress and a Dominatrix.
Mr.NY’s words cut me deep – I let them. I said back to him, “I have to be who I am, and if that means being alone for the rest of my life, so be it.” I expected my almost-lover/almost-submissive, but long-term admirer, to be supportive of me not backing down just to find a partner to love. It was so strange that Mr.NY wasn’t encouraging me to keep being me, like he always had been until this point. It half suspected it was a ploy; that I was maybe someone he wanted a future with, someone that could be presentable at all his international doctor conferences and dinners. A silent anarchy has been growing in the depts of me since that night – I have played the good wife before, and I will never betray myself like that again. It’s a cage made of eyes, watching my every move.
We were at a restaurant dinner that I had been looking forward to for a month when he said those words. It was the first time Mr.NY (my non-submissive sub) had met Mr.A (my gay vanilla best friend). Two important men in my life meeting for the first time was both horrifying and funny – it is not something I usually allow. I like to keep my peas and carrots separated; they know of each other, but I never disclose details. Mr.NY had been quite adamant about meeting Mr.A. Both are New Yorkers, so I guess he was curious about this 24 year old gay man that had become his Dominatrix’s best friend. Madrid was neutral territory for us all to have dinner together.
I had met Mr.NY in London two years earlier. I was on a date with another man at one of my favourite gin bars in London. The man asked if he could invite his two Dominants to join us. As odd as that was, I approved. I guessed he wanted to demonstrate to me that he was a worthy submissive, especially since he already had a male and female Dominant interested and playing with him.
In walked Mr.NY with a young blonde woman. They sat at our booth table; Mr.NY across from me. And for the rest of the night my date and the blonde had to watch Mr.NY and me flirt and fall for each other. Afterwards, drama ensued as my date didn’t like Mr.NY poaching me, (even though he was Mr.NY’s submissive and had no right to complain).
Mr.NY returned to the Big Apple and we kept in written correspondence. Oh, the secrets and the thoughts and the adventures we have shared over the last few years… but never, as yet, have we played together. Meeting several times in Madrid has given us opportunity but, Mr.NY said one time that he doesn’t want me treating him like one of my fuckboys. He’s making me value him by escaping into the night before I can sink my teeth into him. Our Domination/submission connection is ironically the most platonic of my life. For two years we have been playing around each other, with all intensions of ending up in the same hotel room but never quite getting there.
So, it’s odd that he said to me, “Shouldn’t you want to settle down?” It almost feels like he doesn’t believe in me anymore; as if my Mistressing is just a fun phase in my life and then when I ‘grow up’ I will want what everyone else wants: To grow old and sexless with a partner.
