I get asked a lot why a man would want to stay in a marriage when it obviously is not meeting his needs. Why doesn’t he just break up the marriage and find someone who is more suitable, rather than cheating? The quick answer is: He stays out of comfort, but mainly family; not for love, intimacy or desire.
From history, we know marriage was design for family. It was designed to keep the family unit together. It enables parents to work together to both raise and protect their children into adulthood. Some marriage matches were considered well-made when the couple loved each other… however, it wasn’t the norm, they were just considered ‘lucky’. Back in the day, it was common to get married for other things other than love – heritage, empires, riches, convenience, lack of choice, etc. It was a luxury to marry for love.
Nowadays, everyone expects to get married for love. But not only that, they expect or promise (well, hope in their heart-of-hearts) that love will continue to be romantic, intimate and a never-ending escapade of desire and passion. Thanks to Romanticism, we are stuffed.
However, the realists and scientists know that romance, intimacy and desire in a marriage wanes over time. It’s normal. Love may stay, but it tends to transform from romantic to companionship. For a woman like me, I don’t see the logic in expecting, even making each other, stay monogamous, when you know you will not desire your partner, eventually. Why force yourselves into a celibate marriage just because of pride (and perhaps jealousy)? And on the flip side, why force yourself into divorce because you have a celibate marriage… just open it, and then the needs that cannot be met in the marriage can be met outside of it. It sounds like a win-win to me. But, this is a discussion that I will go into detail in a later post.
I’ve meet a lot of men who have the same opinion as me. Human beings need intimacy, sex and desire, and when they are gone from a marriage (and it is not an option to reignite them because of the relationship dynamic), then seeking those things elsewhere is acceptable. We are human after all, and if these things make us feel normal, happy even, then it doesn’t feel right, or might not even be healthy, to deny ourselves of them.
I find men have a talent for compartmentalisation. They can separate love and desire. They can completely love their wives, and yet feel fine and guiltless being in an affair that satisfies their sexual appetite and desires. So, when a marriage has become sexless, desire-less, with lack of intimacy or romance, rather than putting continual pressure on his wive, a man finds a Mistress. (This often works out in the wife’s favour, unbeknown to her, as the husband can live everyday life with her and she won’t sense his continual nagging for more sex and intimacy.) I find it is normal for sexual intimacy with a Mistress not to impact the love a man has for his wife. This is why many man can and want to stay with their wives even though they are having extramarital affairs.
And yes, sometimes men having affairs do not love their wives at all, and sometimes are emotionally estranged from them. So, why would they even stay in a loveless and sexless marriage, rather than finding a new partner? It’s like pulling the ripcord on their life. With their wife, they have established social status, financial wealth, and a family. This is important to them, and even though they may not love their wife anymore, they have a sense of duty to her, being the mother of his children. The men who ‘cheat’ in this situation, want to keep their family unit in tact; they see it as best for the children, and even his wife, to do so. However, it is often the case their wife has made it very clear that if she finds out about any infidelity, she will, at the very least, divorce him (creating social, financial and family suicide), and at the very worst, start a ‘War Of The Roses’. A woman with a bruised pride is a women to be feared, indeed. But yet, the man understands that fulfilling his need for sex, intimacy, desire and passion, is well worth the risk. This is why many man can and want to stay with their wives in loveless marriages even though they are having extramarital affairs.
