Submissives often get it stuck in their heads that submission is about giving and serving. And yesâit is. But not always in the way they think. Too much giving, or misplaced serving, can become a burden for the Domina.
For example, your neighbour drops off a home-cooked meal because they want to be nice. The problem? It isnât food you like. You now feel obliged to eat it anyway, clean their plate, and find a time to return it. Their âgiftâ has created more work, not less. What was meant as kindness has became obligation.
The same thing happens in Femdom. A submissive gives and serves beyond what the Domina desires, believing that his eagerness must be pleasing. In reality, it creates more tension for Her to carry. She must either indulge him (to avoid discouraging him) or expend energy correcting him. Instead of easing Her load, the submissive has added to it.
Quality, Not Quantity
Surrender is not measured by how much or how deeply you give. It is measured by quality. Just as âquality timeâ is not defined by length but by intention, presence, and purpose, so too is submission.
A check quality:
- Your Intention â is about not what you want to give, but what will truly lighten your Dominaâs burdens and enrich Her life. Polishing shoes out of your need to feel submissive is about you. Polishing shoes because She values them immaculate is about Her. The difference is important. And, She feels it.
- Your Presence â is about the capacity to remain aware and receptive in the moment, attuned to Her mood and atmosphere. Too many submissives internalise their submission (doing what makes them feel submissive) or project it onto Her (assuming She must want what they want). Presence means sensing Her, the atmosphere, the mood, the timing, the rhythmânot just yourself.
- Your Purpose â is about asking why you are acting. Are you doing this for your own satisfaction, praise, or reward? Or are you doing it because She asked, or because it serves Her directly? If you act without Her promptingâwhich perfectly fineâcheck first whether the action honours Her will or feeds your own ego.
Submission should never be self-powered. If you can generate your own submissive âhighâ without Her, you do not need Her. Femdom is about asymmetryâit is Her domination that is supposed to make you feel submissive, not your own self-directed gestures.
Side note: The problem is that many men expect domination to be dramatic intensity like it is in porn. Historically, women have not dominated in that way. Porn exaggerates because it is made for male arousal, not from Female truth. If you want to be dominated in a womanâs way, you must break your own expectations, imaginations, and fantasies. Right now, most men are over-saturatedâtoo coked up on sugarâwhich makes them numb to subtle and delicate tastes. To receive authentic Female Domination, they must retrain their palate, desensitise themself from overstimulation, and learn to perceive the full texture of nuance, subtlety, and atmosphere that authentic Female Domination provides. Only then will they taste its depth.
When Giving Becomes Too Much
Well-intentioned submissives often get it wrong. They act without prompt, believing it shows foresight. They think if they really know their Domina, they should pre-empt what She needs. Sometimes this is true… but only after years of service. Not in the first year, at least. As such, too often submissives go further than their Domina wants, beyond Her rhythm, beyond Her desire. The Domina is then forced into a dilemma. Indulge or punish. As mentioned above: If she indulges the action, she risks rewarding behaviour that is out of step with Her will. If She corrects it, She risks dampening his eagerness. In both cases, Her energy has to be exerted. The submissive thinks he is âgiving moreâ but in reality, he is creating more work for Her.
Too much giving is not devotion
I have written about this elsewhere (Devotion is the Sixth Love Language on Patreon) that devotion rules them all. Devotion means serving with feeling, presence, and intentânot acting out of habit, projection, or hunger for your own submissive thrill.
Good intentions are often misinformed or selfish. The same is true of giving and serving. What counts is not the action itself but the orientation behind it. If your intention is tuned to Her will, then the smallest act becomes devotion. If your intention is tuned to your own need, then even the grandest gesture falls flat.
So what is the solution?
- Donât pre-empt; be responsive. Submission is not about racing ahead but about living in Her timing and rhythm. Wait, feel, sense, and respond.
- Prioritise presence over action. Sometimes the greatest service is silence. Sometimes it is space. Sometimes it is simply not intruding with your eagerness.
- Check your purpose. Before you act, ask: is this for Her, or for me? If the answer is âfor me,â pause. If the answer is âfor Her,â proceedâbut responsively.
- Let Her author your submission. True surrender is not directing yourself but receiving Her direction. The Domina is the one who makes you feel submissive. (Don’t steal away Her joy of dominating your emotions.) Donât try to manufacture that state yourself.
Submission, when rightly given, does not overwhelm the Domina. It relieves, sustains and empowers Her. It does not create work for Her beyond Her desires. Yes, She may love correcting you and holding you back, but only if it is by Her design. If you are forcing Her to do it because you are moving beyond Her direction, She is not disciplining you out of Her pleasure, but because you actually need disciplining.*
The true gift of submission is not the volume of giving but the clarity of devotionâintention, presence, and purpose aligned with Her will. Too much giving, like an unwanted casserole, only weighs Her down. Devoted giving, however, makes Her lighter, freer, and more desiring. So, learn the difference between service that pampers your ego and service that honours Her authority.
*Tamer/brat dynamics can complicate this, but really, there is still a line between creating work and creating desire.