Male Desire as Submission, Not Control

One of the most common misinterpretations of Absolute Femdom is that it “ignores” the submissive’s desires. This is not true. Absolute Femdom values male desire deeply, just not in the way most men are taught to expect. It does not grant male desire authority. It grants it significance.

In Relative Femdom, desire functions as a negotiation tool. The submissive brings his wishlist—pegging, chastity, feminisation, worship—the Domina brings Hers, and they review them, accept some, reject others, and co-create a mutually agreeable experience through compromise. In this model, male desire is structurally central to Her Femdom, not only in its expression but in its influence. It drives the agenda of what gets included and what gets enacted. Male and female desire are moulded to fit together, but in doing so, both are cut down, planed off, and sanded smooth to produce something they can both “fairly” consume. This is collaboration: dividing to make things fair.

But in Absolute Femdom, male desire is not central—it is contextual. It is material the Domina may draw upon if it supports Her structure, Her truth, and Her erotic logic. It is not used to define the dynamic, but to enrich it… on Her terms. The submissive supports Her vision, and thus he is the one who becomes clay, malleable for the Domina to shape into Her personal masterpiece. That includes reshaping him, discarding what no longer serves, refining what will make him more beautiful, and building him into an artwork that reflects Her truth. This is creation through transformation—a true act of sacrifice in value-based Femdom: the “greater good.”

Think of it this way: in Relative Femdom, the submissive’s desire directs the Domina’s actions (however collaboratively). In Absolute Femdom, the submissive’s desire becomes an object of Her authorship—a resource, a plaything, pr pieces in Her puzzle.

So, I’ve established that male desire is equally valuable in Absolute Femdom, but not equally powerful. Logically and practically, male desire can’t be equally powerful because Absolute Femdom is built on power asymmetry—ethical hierarchy.

The Origin of Desire: A Femdom Litmus Test

The key distinction between performative domination and authentic Female Domination is the origin of desire.

If the Domina desires pegging and decides to do it, it is of female-centric origin.
If the submissive desires pegging and the Domina decides to do it, the desire has a male-centric origin.

There is a subtle difference here. However, people will often argue that it’s the Domina’s decision to peg that defines whether the act is domination. This is only partially true. If it is something She already wants and desires regardless of his desire, then yes—it is female-centric. Even if She is just partial to it or indifferent but decides to do it anyway, pegging for the desire of the submissive can still be female-centric if the decision is fully and authentically Hers.

However, in many cases, Her decision is not entirely uncoerced. It may be the result of subtle pressure, emotional manipulation, or simply repeated suggestion from the submissive. The submissive may not even realise he’s doing this. It should not be presumed he is doing it out of selfishness, but perhaps ignorance. Often such a situation occurs because of mismatched expectations. The submissive may have thought he was entering a Relative dynamic where his input is essential, but he instead finds himself in an Absolute dynamic. He may not have fully understood what he was consenting to at the beginning. Many submissives lie by omission at the outset because of desperation. They hope that once they prove themselves to the Domina or become “trusted,” they’ll eventually be able to get their desires fulfilled.

That belief—that submission earns reward through compliance—is deeply ingrained in male socialisation. It’s a male-centric ideology: if you do well, you should be rewarded. This is one of the most common mismatches in expectation between men and women. Men are trained to live in a reward economy. Do the dishes? Earn sex. Perform submission? Earn orgasm. Follow instructions? Get feminisation. It’s a linear logic: action begets reward. But women? Women are not socialised this way. Women tend to see the dishes as simply needing to be done. Not because it earns something, but because they are a requirement of life. It’s not a merit system—it’s maintenance. Women value being, not doing. In a man’s world, you are valued for what you do. In a woman’s world, you are valued for who you are. That’s the core philosophical distinction. In male-centric cultures (patriarchy), value is measured by performance: money, position, and status. In female-centric logic, value is measured by quality: kindness, emotional integrity, and authenticity.

And yes, to pre-empt the common complaint: those women who won’t date a man unless he earns over a million? That’s just women using patriarchy back on men. And men don’t like it. Why? Because patriarchy is only fun when they get to use it. When it’s used on them, it suddenly becomes unfair. The irony is, women using patriarchy for their advantage is called “Feminism.” The last 20 years of feminist culture has been about rebalancing power, particularly with women learning how patriarchal power actually works, and beginning to use the tools of male power back on the men who invented them. And instead of saying, “Shit, is this what we’ve been doing to women for centuries? That’s awful. Let’s change it,” many men have instead demonised women for using the very same playbook. So… with women that use patriarchy, men have resentment – not towards patriarchy, but the women. But I digress…

Back to desire.

A crucial psychological truth: women, far more than men, are socialised to adopt the desires of others in order to gain approval, connection, or safety. This is well-documented in gender studies and psychology. Carol Gilligan, for instance, has demonstrated how young girls are taught to prioritise relational harmony over personal ambition. Girls are told to “be good,” to be helpful, to care for others, and to adjust to men. Their own internal desire is often buried under scripts of emotional labour and people-pleasing.

(Side note: This is why I personally cringe at the “good girl” trope in DaddyDom dynamics. It eroticises patriarchal conditioning. I understand it’s a valid kink, but I also understand how socially destructive that reinforcement can be for women.)

So, when women enter Femdom, many still struggle to distinguish between what they want and what they’ve internalised as desirable because it makes others happy.

A Domina may say She “loves pegging,” but when pressed, She may discover that what She really loves is the validation that comes after pegging. Or the feeling of being desired. Or the praise. Or the narrative of being a “good Domme.” None of that is inherently wrong, but they are not Her original desires. They are mirrored desires—desire as reflection, not origin.

Absolute Femdom demands more. It demands that She excavate Her authentic erotic truth, beneath socialisation, performance, and pleasing. What would She want if no one was watching? If no one was thanking Her? If no submissive ever praised Her again?

That is the the core of female-centric desire.

And this is why the rejection of a submissive’s fantasy is not selfish or arrogant or abusive. It is ethical – it follows Her truth. If a Domina performs feminisation without authentic desire, She is not leading. She is servicing. That is not Femdom.

To clarify the breakdown:

• If the Domina desires pegging from Her own erotic truth and decides to do it (or not), then both the desire and the decision are female-centric—regardless of whether the submissive also desires it.
• If the Domina doesn’t desire pegging, but decides to do it for Her submissive, the desire is male-centric, but the decision may still be female-centric—especially if She is a pleasure Domme who enjoys indulging others from Her own desire to please. (But this is hard to tell, unless She has done the unravelling of patriarchy required to know Her own erotic truth.)
• If the Domina doesn’t desire pegging, and does it anyway because She feels pressured, obligated, or guilty, then both the desire and decision are male-centric. That is not authentic Femdom.

This may sound very semantic, but the implications are profound. In Femdom—especially Absolute Femdom—the direction of desire and the source of decision determine the authenticity of power.

Now, to be clear: female domination is not an all-or-nothing dichotomy. These elements exist on a spectrum. It’s not always one or the other. Yes, female-originated desire and decision is the “purest” form of Female Domination, but practically, this isn’t always sustainable or relevant for every dynamic.

Absolute Femdom aims for that purer form, that authenticity. But remember, most Dominas use different power models with different submissives. I would never practice Absolute Femdom with a complete beginner. I reserve it for My personal submissives—those who are thoroughly educated, vetted, and consented.

So yes, take note, I often speak in black and white terms for the sake of conceptual clarity. But never forget, BDSM dwells in the shadows.

How can a Domina use male-centric desire to keep the integrity of Her female-centric desire?

I use the 5W’s—the journalism principle of Who, What, Where, When, Why.

When a submissive expresses a desire for pegging without trying to influence or pressure the Domina to do it, he is supporting the dynamic to operate at its optimum. Then the Domina decides, based on Her truth, if She wants to peg. But She is the master of its conditions within Her Femdom. She decides:

• Who will do the pegging — Herself? Another woman? A bull…?
• What will it mean — Humiliation? Intimacy? Correction? Ownership? Punishment?
• Where will it happen — In bed? On the floor? In a club?
• When will it happen — Once a month? On a ritual day? When She feels like it?
• Why will it happen — For Her satisfaction? To test his endurance? To deepen his submission? To teach him a lesson? To train his body?

In this model, even though the desire may originate from the submissive, the structure, meaning, and context are entirely under Her control. It is not just about what is done, but about why and how it is done. This is what transforms an act from fetish indulgence into Female Domination.

So when a Domina pegs a submissive in Absolute Femdom, it is not because he asked for it and She complied. It is because it aligns with Her own desire to dominate, to challenge, to reward, and to claim. The desire may have begun with him, but it becomes Hers through reinterpretation. Through command. Through expressing Her erotic truth.

It is clear that Absolute Femdom places a significant amount of authority—and responsibility—in the hands of the Domina. For many submissives, this level of surrender can feel intimidating. But it is essential to understand that ethical Female Domination is never about selfishness and injustice. It is about transformation. The ethical Domina operates within an architecture of safety, consent, and care. She does not wield power recklessly, nor does She seek to break Her submissive. Rather, She refines him. Her authority is not detached from love. In many cases, it is how She expresses it.

Even the strictest or most emotionally reserved Dominas embody this ethic. They may not display overt warmth, but they carry an implicit duty of care the moment they accept a submissive into their charge. A Domina of substance understands Her submissive’s limits, fears, and triggers. She respects his boundaries, even as She designs experiences that may press against them. She never takes him beyond his true capacity, but She will challenge him when She senses he is holding back out of fear and insecurity rather than truth.

A mature Domina often anticipates what the submissive will need long before he realises it himself. When She plans to introduce an experience that She knows will test him, She prepares the psychological and emotional groundwork weeks—sometimes months—in advance. She shapes his readiness gradually. Any act initiated by such a Domina may seem spontaneous, but in reality, it has been carefully orchestrated for his development. And after the experience, She continues Her guidance, tracking its impact and integrating its effects into their dynamic.

If a submissive does not feel this degree of competence, foresight, and care from his Domina, if he cannot trust that She governs not only the acts but the architecture around them, then either the Domina is not for him, or Absolute Femdom is not the model he should pursue. The Domina is not just a conductor of scenes. She is the composer of the entire score. And real submission requires surrendering not only to Her actions, but to Her long-range design – Her Femdom legacy.

I hold the authority to do anything I want to My personal submissives. They know this. They have consented to this… and I didn’t have to ask them for it—they enthusiastically give it to Me because of the person they know I am. Thus, they also know that I will never act in ways that jeopardise their health, violate their consent, or compromise their safety. This trust is not given lightly; it has been earned over time through consistent governance, attunement, and integrity.

At times, it can be a unique challenge for Me, particularly when a submissive reaches the stage where fear no longer works on him. When they are never afraid of Me, I must find new and creative ways to evoke vulnerability, anticipation, or psychological intensity. It becomes a game of innovation to create fear-based domination for them, but they have already surrendered to Me deeply.

My submissives know one thing with absolute certainty: if they were ever in danger—truly endangered—I would be the one storming the gates. If they were kidnapped by Colombian drug lords, I would lead the fucking commando team into the jungle to bring them back. They feel My protective force not only as emotional devotion to their submission—yes, a Domina can be devoted to Her submissive as well—but they also know I have the knowledge and skills to do it.

Thus, Absolute Femdom does not reject male desire. It recontextualises it. It transforms it into Her Femdom, whether by using it, reconfiguring it, ignoring it, or dismissing it altogether. Desire is welcome. Control is not.