A recurring misconception among submissives entering Femdom—particularly Absolute Femdom—is the assumption that if their preferences align with a Domina’s stated interests, those desires will be enacted with them. They see the fetish list, the photos, the tags, and think: “Perfect match. This is what she does. Therefore, this is what she will do with me.”
No. That is not how Power works. And that is certainly not how Absolute Femdom works.
A Domina’s stated preferences are not an open menu of services, even for Her own submissives. They are a portrait of Her erotic imagination, Her toolkit, and Her creative archive. They represent what She enjoys in general, not what She will do with you specifically. Preferences describe possibility; they are not promises. If She lists “pegging” as an interest, it does not mean She will peg you, (and the kicker is…) even if She pegs Her other submissives. You are not entitled to access Her preferences simply because they mirror yours.
Chemistry and Attraction Matter in Femdom
This is where many submissives underestimate the relational structure of Femdom. Most Dominas—especially those practicing Absolute Femdom—select submissives based on chemistry, compatibility, need, and vision. She may assign different roles to different submissives across Her stable depending on what each individual inspires in Her*.
For example, you may want to be pegged. She may adore pegging. Her profile may have a thousand images of her pegging other submissives. But when she meets you, she may not want to peg you. Instead, she assigns you a service role. Why?
Because She doesn’t feel it with you. It doesn’t match Her vision with you.
Now, there are a 1001 reasons behind a Domina’s logic, but just to give you a clue: Perhaps pegging is a sexually intimate act for Her, but if She is not sexually attracted to you, She will not want to bring that part of Herself into your dynamic. Or perhaps She enjoys the sexual tension with you, and knows that pegging would destroy it. Or perhaps your energy is more aligned with ritual, or domestic submission, or psychological discipline. In Absolute Femdom, these decisions are Hers alone. She creates your role based on Her desire, Her structure, and Her embodied truth.
Domination Is Not Always Sexual
Another widespread misunderstanding is the belief that Domination must be sexual for the Domina. It isn’t. For some, it is. For many, it is not.
I am a sexual Domina, but that often makes me the exception, not the rule, especially at my age. Many Domina in the scene do not have sex with their submissives. Some do not engage in genital-focused play at all. Many avoid “butt play” entirely. So you must ask yourself honestly:
Do you want to submit only if your sexual preferences are fulfilled?
Or do you desire to submit because you are devoted to Her?
If you are an absolute submissive, you choose the Domina first. You trust Her. You surrender to Her vision. And then, you become what She wants. You do not bargain, you do not try to redirect. You do not insert your fetish list into Her process. You consent at the threshold, and beyond that, the form your submission takes is Hers to shape. If this is not what you want, then do not seek Absolute Femdom.
This is why choosing the right Domina matters. If you are fixated on specific acts, if you are unable to release those expectations, do not enter into Absolute dynamics. You may long for real domination, but if your deepest need is to have your preferences fulfilled, an Absolute structure will feel miserable for you. You are not surrendering your will, but you require your preferences to be met.
Power Is Not Always Paired with Sex
You may want to be treated as a sexual plaything, but if the Domina does not feel sexual chemistry with you, it won’t happen. You may crave intimacy, but if She is not emotionally or erotically drawn to you: It. Won’t. Happen. This is the reality of autonomous erotic Power. Chemistry cannot be negotiated. It is not a submissive’s right to demand it. And it is not a Domina’s obligation to generate it.
A Domina may love dominating you, but not want sex with you. She may find you compelling as a butler, as a servant, but not as a lover. And yes, this often baffles men, because they are conditioned by porn and sex work to think that sex and domination are always entangled.
They are not.
The conflation of sex and Power is largely a male construction, reinforced by sex work, pornographic tropes, and male-centric kink culture. But for many women, domination is not an erotic script to access sex; it is a relationship to Power. It may stimulate arousal, but that arousal is often psychological, emotional, or symbolic. It does not need to be expressed through physical sex to be real.
Take Cersei Lannister and The Mountain from Game of Thrones. That is a pure Queen/servant dynamic. She holds complete Power. He offers unwavering loyalty. There is no sex. But, it is still undeniably Femdom.
Sexual Submission Requires Sexual Chemistry
I have had deeply submissive men serve me who I never fucked. Why? Because our dynamic wasn’t sexual. It was devotional, psychological, and practical. Sex is not required to actualise Femdom.
For me in general, I do not take on any personal submissive unless I feel sexually attracted to them because my domination is connected to my sexual desire. But that doesn’t mean I don’t have non-sexual submissives who serve My vision in other ways. However, many Domina take on non-sexual personal submissives because their domination is not connected to their sexual desire. Sex is a tool of domination. And also, the denial of it.
So if sex is part of your submission, ask if the Domina feels sexual about you before you commit. Do not presume. Do not project. Ask. Because if you enter a dynamic assuming your sexual preferences will be fulfilled, and they are not—you will suffer. And the Domina will be burdened with managing your unspoken disappointment, which will likely end your dynamic.
Now to get serious: expecting sex to be a part of Female Domination is men trying to control women. Absolute Domina decide for themselves if they want sex or sexual activity to be a part of their Femdom or not, according to Her erotic truth.
If you want to negotiate sex into your dynamic, find a Relative Domina. Absolute Femdom is not for you.
*I am talking about poly Domination here but this also goes from monogamous parters. A Domina might be sexually attracted to one submissive, but then Her next submissive She isn’t. Domina’s can choose submissives on different merits such as personality, loyalty, resources, not just or even sexual.