A lot of people are chronically confused about what Domination is. Without thinking, they simply repeat what they’ve heard others say, without noticing that those people are themselves repeating what they have heard, also without thinking. This is the ouroboros of kink discourse—the snake endlessly swallowing its own second-hand opinions.
Most people engaged in Relative Femdom don’t realise that their egalitarian dynamics aren’t actually domination—they are roleplay. And while there’s nothing wrong with roleplay, it is not the same thing as inhabiting an actual power structure. Domination is complex. It demands the intellectual work of understanding power, not just as an aesthetic, but as a structure. Instead, most participants default to what their socialised learning affirms as “Dominance,” even when something in them suspects the truth: what they are doing feels more like theatre than authenticity. They are “doing” dynamic scenes, but they don’t feel truly dominating or dominated. And they’re right—because what they’re doing is BDSM activity, not a power dynamic.
From a philosophical standpoint, Domination does not occur unless the submissive yields to the authority of the Domina, relinquishing their will to Hers. Without this, the relationship remains a negotiation of acts, not a submission to power. If a submissive is telling a Domina exactly what they want to happen, and expecting Her to deliver according to that list, they are not submitting to Her authority, but are employing Her as a facilitator of their own desires. If Her desire is not leading, directing, and shaping the encounter, then She is not dominating—and both will feel it.
This raises the question: How can you tell if a Domina is authentically dominating?
It can be boiled down to two key points:
- Is the Domina the origin of the desire?
You might share the same desire—indeed, alignment of desires strengthens a dynamic—but if the impulse for what happens is unadulteratedly Hers, then all else flows as Her Femdom. In Hegelian terms, She is not simply reacting to your will; She is the centre from which all synthesis emerges. - If the original desire is not Hers, is the authority and control of it still Hers?
This is the grey area of Absolute Femdom. It is a spectrum that allows for unique contexts and individual interpretations, but the core principle is this: even when the initiating spark comes from the submissive, the Domina transforms it through Her own desire. She becomes, in Aristotelian terms, the final cause—the purpose, meaning, and structuring agent of the act.
As I’ve written before, this can be framed through the journalism principle of Who, What, Where, When, Why:
If a submissive expresses a desire for pegging without pressuring or influencing the Domina, he is supporting the dynamic to operate at its optimum. The Domina then decides—based on Her truth—if pegging will occur. And if it does, She determines:
Who will do the pegging — Herself? Another woman? A bull?
What it will mean — Humiliation? Intimacy? Correction? Ownership? Punishment?
Where it will happen — In bed? On the floor? At a club?
When it will happen — Once a month? On a ritual day? When She feels like it?
Why it will happen — For Her satisfaction? To test his endurance? To deepen his submission? To teach him a lesson? To train his body?
Domination happens from thought to thought, act to act. The error is grouping “domination” into the whole dynamic, the whole session, or the whole activity—then assuming the label makes the thing real. It doesn’t. As Wittgenstein might point out, the use of the word “domination” in a sentence does not guarantee its reality in the act.
This is where we fall into what I call the “Vizzini trap”: mistaking the appearance of control for control itself. Instead of being lulled into the comfortable assumption that “if it looks like domination, it must be domination,” we need to become Montoyas: don’t just accept what porn, social media, and pop-kink tell you. Question everything. Get to the truth of the structure you are in. This clarity will be a game changer for your dynamics. Then, there will be no doubt who is the Domina.
(And yes, submissives can use this same framework to strengthen their own submission.)