Let’s talk about the first message. That tiny cluster of words that, in your mind, might just be the beginning of something life-changing. Or in a Femdom’s mind… it’s yet another faceless ping in an endless sea of copy-paste desperation.
The first mistake most men make when contacting an authentic Femdom is writing too much, or worse, writing too submissively. They believe that the more deferential they sound, the more likely a Femdom is to feel respected, flattered, or even aroused. This is what Instagram Dommes get off on, but that’s not how it works in real Femdom. When a man approaches Me already on his knees, already in character, already listing how much he longs to serve, it doesn’t take as endearing; it lands as disrespectful.
Why? Because he has not asked for consent to submit to Me. And I have not given him My permission.
In the real Femdom world, you do not submit without permission. You do not presume that She wants your devotion. You do not assign her the role of “Your Femdom” just because you have decided that’s what you need. In real Femdom, you do not roleplay a scene when no scene has been negotiated. Submission is not something you give. It is something We allow, and that happens only after We’ve vetted, chosen, and decided that you are worth that level of access.
This is where many men fall into what I call “submission performance.” They are not actually being submissive. They are acting out what they think submission is supposed to look like—complete with honorifics, exaggerated deference, and a script they’ve memorised from porn or social media “Dommes” who play to fantasy more than reality. And this is exactly why those messages get ignored. Not because they’re too submissive, but because they are unauthorised. Consentless. Artificial. Self-serving.
The truth is, Femdoms don’t want your performance. We want your presence. And presence does not mean grovelling. An act such as grovelling is often a trance state where you are not self-ware or aware of the Femdom. This is the opposite of what is needed to submit. Being present means being in the full awareness of submission.
Presence means you write like a respectable man—a man who is grounded, intelligent, and observant. Not overly formal, not aggressively familiar, but sincere. Brief. Clear. And above all, aware of the fact that you are speaking to someone with Power. A Femdom should not have to teach you that your first message is not the place for fantasies, roleplay, or declarations of submission. She should see you already understand that.
If you message a Femdom and She’s interested, She will do Her research. If She’s curious, She’ll start a conversation. If She wants you, She will pursue you. That’s how this works. A Femdom does not need to be convinced. She needs space to decide.
And if She rejects you? Accept it with grace. That response, in itself, is part of your training. A Femdom who says “no” is setting a boundary, and if your instinct is to argue, justify, or push back, you’ve already proven Her right. You were never a submissive. You were a man performing a kink script. And now that She’s said no, you’ve lost even the chance to try again in the future… because now She knows your obedience is conditional. Your humility is an act. And your fantasy matters more to you than Her consent.