Skip to content

Why You Can’t Find a Domina Who Actually Dominates

One of the most common frustrations I hear from submissive men is the difficulty of finding a Dominant woman who actually dominates. Not just someone who performs erotic acts from Femdom porn, but a woman who leads a power-based, female-authored dynamic—emotionally, psychologically, and erotically. And they’re not wrong… finding real Femdom is difficult. But not for the reasons most assume.

Most of the problem is the term “Mistress.” It is used by everyone, and her dog.

In today’s scene, many women call themselves Domina or Mistress simply because they enjoy the word. They are not actually a Mistress or Domina, but they might like the idea of it, it’s a fantasy for them, or they feel confidant in the bedroom some times, or they like the style of the clothes, or they get more attention from men, or they just like to slap their boyfriend around a bit, but none of this makes them a Femdom. Yet they use the label because it is glamorous, clickable, and instantly gets them pull in the kink economy. But just looking or feeling dominant is not the same as practicing Female Domination.

What is being marketed under the name “Femdom” is often anything but.

You might encounter a woman who performs pegging, CBT, humiliation, or feminisation. She may wear latex, hold a flogger, and call you “pet.” But if those acts are not situated within a psychological power dynamic authored by Her will and desire—if they are not arising from a female-led erotic framework—they are not Femdom. They are Topping. Erotic acts performed from a script for the attention of men and for male pleasure is not Femdom.

One of the major problems is people mistaking Topping for Domination.

Topping refers to enacting erotic activities (that might appear dominating, but are not)—impact play, bondage, feminisation—in response to a submissive’s preferences. Domination, by contrast, is a directional, asymmetrical, psychological and relational process. It is not defined by activity, but by female authorship. Who writes the scene? Who determines the structure? Who’s erotic logic shapes the dynamic?

Femdom, in its authentic form, is not about performing acts. It is a deeply transformative experience using emotional power imbalance to explore human connection through the taboo.

However, most men who approach real Femdom are not approaching from a clean slate. They’ve already been conditioned—by porn, by sex workers, by TikTok, by online communities filled with switchy cosplay performers—to think that Femdom is just kink play. That Femdom is only a performance they can request and receive. That if they follow a certain script, buy the right gifts, or say the right submissive words, they will access “the real thing.” But they won’t, because they’re being groomed by “Femdom pirates”.

These are individuals—often influencers, content creators, porn makers, or women who think the image is just cool—who use the language and symbols of Femdom without understanding, embodying, or respecting it. They wear the costume of authority, but operate entirely within male desire. They tell men what they want to hear. They act out a curated fantasy. And in doing so, they leave a trail of destruction behind.

The harm is real.

They give men the wrong idea of what Femdom is. When everything is a performance, men learn to expect domination as a service—not a female-led dynamic structure they must surrender to. These “Femdom pirates” perpetuate male-centric Femdom tropes. Most of what is called “Femdom” today is kinkified service delivery: fetish acts with no internal authority behind them. Many pirates engage in exploitative behaviour, encouraging the belief that all Dominas are manipulators, reinforcing the stereotype that Dominas are money-hungry. They cause psychological harm. When a woman who doesn’t understand power dynamics begins to “dominate” without education, structure, safety or ethics, things go wrong. He is not protected. He is not cared for. And he walks away harmed, cut or disillusioned.

No… I’m not just making this up. On my own journey:

  • I have saved a millionaire from bankruptcy and imprisonment because of a woman claiming to be a financial dominatrix, but she was just a thief.
  • I have stopped the physical abuse by a sick woman beating up on a submissive.
  • I have helped a submissive who was put in hospital because two Dominas disregarded his REDs and ripped into his ass, and he couldn’t escape because he was tied down. Then they harassed him for not showing up the next day because they wanted to film.

Yeah, the stories I can tell… I have see women faking being Domina to do atrocious things to men.

These pirates damage the reputation of real Femdom. After enough encounters with pirates, men begin to doubt whether authentic female domination even exists. Cynicism sets in. The meaning of female domination becomes diluted, or even a joke. When Femdom is defined by clueless women and for male-centric gratification instead of female authorship, the concept loses depth and credibility. And then we are all expected to stand back and say “each to their own,” “you do you,” “no kink shaming”… to look the other way. 🤦‍♀️

The truth is, every time I meet a submissive, I spend the first few months undoing what these imposters have taught him. I call them “Femdom pirates” for a reason. They have hijacked the language and imagery of Domination, but they do not carry its ethics, integrity, or purpose. They rob not only the submissive of a meaningful dynamic, but the Domina of the ability to be recognised as a sovereign erotic force. And the bitter irony is that the more these imposters perform “their version” of Femdom, the harder it becomes for authentic Dominas to be believed or valued.

Real Dominas are now forced to prove they exist, to prove they are real, to prove they are authentic.

And men—many of whom would make excellent submissives—have become jaded, sceptical, and hardened by disappointment. They are confused. They have been fed a vision of Femdom that centres on their pleasure, on their control, and on their requests. And so when one in a thousand Domina refuses to fulfil their fantasy because they are authentic Femdom, these men don’t recognised the real thing, but call it fake.

So men, if you want to find a real Domina, learn to tell the difference. Here are some warning signs that you may be dealing with a Femdom pirate:

  1. She offers instant domination without vetting, structure, or process.
  2. She asks what you want her to do to you before declaring her own desires.
  3. Her Femdom is styled entirely from porn clichés. She doesn’t have Her own style or Her own unique practices.
  4. She never says no, even when something doesn’t align with her.
  5. She talks more about your kinks than her own erotic logic.
  6. She dominates only when paid, or only online, or only in performance.
  7. She never speaks about ethics, safety, or the psychology of submission.
  8. She has no traceable Femdom philosophy, lineage, or structure.
  9. She cannot explain her Domination style beyond aesthetic descriptors.
  10. She thinks topping is the same as dominating.

Authentic Femdom is built on power, not performance. On structure, not service. On Her desire, not your fantasy.

So, men, if you’ve been disappointed before, don’t give up. You may not have met a real Domina yet. But when you do, She won’t flatter your illusions. She will dismantle them. And if you are ready, that dismantling will be the beginning of your actual submission.