I get it that people want to escape into roleplaying Domina/sub. And that BDSM has been branded as just kinky sex acts that people do to spice up their sex life. It’s just all fun and games for them.
But there is another side that people are missing. For others, Domina and submissive are actually identities and orientations. And BDSM is an exploration of the human spectrum of arousal and pleasure. It’s a bona fide lifestyle and life philosophy.
The problem is, the roleplayers think the lifestylers are just trying to stop everyone’s fun by getting serious. But the lifestylers are just trying to stop the roleplayers using them as kink dispensers and perpetuating porn ideals.
There needs to be a distinction, not to divide, but to clarify the two. It’s not good enough anymore to call everyone who does BDSM outside the professional realm as just “Lifestyle.” It is very clear that there are three kinds that clash: roleplayers, lifestylers and “identifiers”.
Most of the scene is made up of roleplayers who just want to be free to do whatever they want… mostly just for sex.
Most of everyone else are Lifestylers who live D/s and BDSM as a life philosophy and practice. And within them, are the smaller group made up of identified/orientated BDSMers. Domina, submissive, Mistress, slave, etc is not a role, but a persistent expression of who they are – a direction of orientation. The exact same as for gay, queer and NB, etc.
A huge problem is, the roleplayers and a lot of the lifestylers don’t believe that D/s identities and orientations exist. And that’s just the start…
Imagine when someone doesn’t believe that you are gay, that “gay” doesn’t exist, and that gay lifestyles are just bogus… This is what it is like identifying as a Domina or a submissive. No one believes you, they don’t believe such exists, and they think such a lifetsyle is just play, not real. And thus, identifiers are marginalised, not just in the vanilla world, but also in the BDSM scene.
The only way to be believed is to bring it into politics; that such is recognised by law. Only when is it required to be recognised by institutions such as medicine, education and science will things change. And then, just as with other LGBTQ+ identities, it’s the wait of years, even decades, for it to trickle down into regular society.
Why does this matter? So that identifying as a Domina isn’t just seen as a party trick; that when she goes to a doctor, she doesn’t have to explain she is not a prostitute but a Dominant woman who practices female-led power asymmetry dynamics. And instead of a doctor having no fucking clue how to help her, they will know at least a little of the human condition, from the policy of including such information about her identity in their doctor training at university, and thus will be able to not only help, but have compassion.
When a group of people are not recognised, they are not given the same rights, access or opportunities as everyone else.
For a real example: I go to LGBTQ+ specific clinics for regular sti screenings (because I’m a good girl). I go to them specifically because you would think they would understand an identity such as mine. No, they don’t. Every time they make me fill out a 5 page questionnaire with them, because… they are not used to a woman like me. The LGBTQ+ person doing the survey is often fascinated by a Domina… and every time they ask me if I’m on Prep. Why? Because they see that my activities are similar to a gay man, who are encouraged to be on Prep… and are given it for free by the government. We sometimes laugh that I’m just a gay man in a woman’s body – as I touch, fuck and, ahem… do other things to so many asses, just like a gay man. They know I should be on Prep. I know I should be on Prep. But the government does not give Prep to women. This means, the government is refusing to allow me to protect myself and others from HiV because I am a woman. And the government thinks that women don’t fuck gay, bi or pansexual men as much as I do, and thus, shouldn’t be given Prep. I have also tried to buy Prep over the counter, and I have been refused because I am not a man. (Not to mention, I’m not even sure Prep is chemically suited for a female body, which is another problem in itself.)
However, if Domina are recognised by the government, which includes acknowledgment of their sexual activity, then they can get access to Prep made for her body, to keep them and all their partners safe.
And this is only one example of being denied access because Domina is not a recognised orientation. There is a whole array of things that Domina are denied simply because they are not recognised by the government, and especially by the LGBTQ+ community.
So, do you understand now why it is important for Domina and submissive to be recognised as an identity and orientation…? Do you understand why it is important to make such clarification in the BDSM community (because doing such validates people who identify and orientate to Domina, submissive, etc).
Seriously, this is not about rejecting roleplayers or saying they are wrong, this is about making a necessary distinction from those who are just creating a persona for sexual gratification, and those who actually authentically identify and orientate to Domina and submissive, to be valued and treated on the same level as other LGBTQ+ identities. The clarifying and distinctions are necessary for governments and academia because that is the only way to prove existence, and their validity of receiving equal rights.
It’s not about playing games, it’s about being treated with the same human dignity and respect as everyone else.